Spent a lovely weekend with my good friends M and N in Leeds, going up hill, down dale, fording rivers, wrestling sheep, visiting Armley, Wortley, Bumley, Ilkley, Arsely, drinking tea and eating toast.

As we've known each other for some 30 years, there are a fair few in-jokes to share, so for our benefit only, here's a few that reduce us to tears and make us helpless with laughter:

Slack Alice, Mister Smith, Smiling Albert, Spudge, Now then, Remember your name, That desk's 250 years old you know, Get off my antique furniture, Polished Grin, Go easy, Don't forget where you're from, Charged, Ooh you bugger, Bloody hell Victoria, Bolmes, I don't know what yer grandfather would've said, Tuesdee nights, and the pièce de résistance: That mattress doesn't belong to you.

Your own contributions welcome.

Let's see if we find them funny.

Fig biscuits!

For your pleasure, or possibly his or hers, a selection of subject titles from recent porn in my work inbox:

++ form a truly "muscular" looking penis that will IMPRESS and AROUSE your lover

++ bigger penis head - created a more mushroomed and muscular look nib

++ a longer, thicker, larger penis even when you are relaxed and not sexually excited

++ achieve more powerful thrusting ability

++ make it hang past your knees

Oh go on then.

This week I'm required to complete five pages of stuff all about my favourite subject: me. It's a little bit serious as what I write will determine whether I have a job in six weeks. I'm so serious about these five pages that I've been in serious avoidance since Friday morning, when aforesaid pages dropped so innocently into my in-tray.

In an effort not to have to think serious thoughts, this weekend I have mostly been drunk and out until late, sunbathing, sleeping, doing washing, filing my nails, buffing my forehead, dozing around with R, staring out of the window, looking for a Cinni fan (and finding the world's most frustrating game on the way), fruitfully surfing for new colours in Juicy Tubes, cleaning my flat, recycling all my papers and bottles, making way overdue phone calls, reading the papers, reading my book and looking for a present for my bro.

As Sunday is running out, it really is time to start taking myself seriously. Shudder.

Overheard in my work canteen:

Woman: ...terrible increase in crime over there.
Man: Oh that's a great story!

And I couldn't help but wonder what the beginning of her story was.

They then went on to talk about viewing figures in Bhutan.

In need of an excuse to ease my anti-social Saturday-night mood. Thought I'd finally check out how many calories I really should be getting in a day - at 5'6" and a smidgen under 8 stone. Apparently it's 1880 kcal.

Today I had 1157 kcal, yesterday I had 2615 kcal.

That would've been the 12 inch pizza, four desserts shared between three, bottles of lager and glasses of wine last night then.

Incidentally, www.weightlossresources.co.uk advise that I don't try to lose weight, rather maintain or gain.

Found yourself listening to other people having sex? Blame Apple. Shudder.

Read the ones in bold. Quite pleased have not read many of the ones in not bold. Also feel like have read many of the ones in not bold, and this is not necessarily a good thing.

The Alchemist, Paulo Coelho | Theatre review

Alice's Adventures In Wonderland, Lewis Carroll

Animal Farm, George Orwell

Anna Karenina, Leo Tolstoy

Anne Of Green Gables, LM Montgomery

Artemis Fowl, Eoin Colfer,

The BFG, Roald Dahl | Listen to interview

Birdsong, Sebastian Faulks

Black Beauty, Anna Sewell | Children's fiction

Bleak House, Charles Dickens

Brave New World, Aldous Huxley

Brideshead Revisited, Evelyn Waugh | Listen to interview

Bridget Jones's Diary, Helen Fielding | Film review

Captain Corelli's Mandolin, Louis de Bernieres | Film review

Catch 22, Joseph Heller | Listen to interview

The Catcher In The Rye, JD Salinger

Charlie And The Chocolate Factory, Roald Dahl | Listen to interview

A Christmas Carol, Charles Dickens

The Clan Of The Cave Bear, Jean M Auel

Cold Comfort Farm, Stella Gibbons | Film interview

The Colour Of Magic, Terry Pratchett

The Count Of Monte Cristo, Alexandre Dumas | Film review

Crime And Punishment, Fyodor Dostoyevsky | Crime and Punishment site

David Copperfield, Charles Dickens

Double Act, Jacqueline Wilson

Dune, Frank Herbert | Discussion

Emma, Jane Austen

Far From The Madding Crowd, Thomas Hardy

Girls In Love, Jacqueline Wilson

The God Of Small Things, Arundhati Roy

The Godfather, Mario Puzo | Film review

Gone With The Wind, Margaret Mitchell | Film review

Good Omens, Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman | Discussion

Goodnight Mister Tom, Michelle Magorian

Gormenghast, Mervyn Peake | Gormenghast site

The Grapes Of Wrath, John Steinbeck

Great Expectations, Charles Dickens

The Great Gatsby, F Scott Fitzgerald

Guards! Guards!, Terry Pratchett

Harry Potter And The Chamber Of Secrets, JK Rowling

Harry Potter And The Goblet Of Fire, JK Rowling

Harry Potter And The Philosopher's Stone, JK Rowling

Harry Potter And The Prisoner Of Azkaban, JK Rowling

His Dark Materials, Philip Pullman

The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy, Douglas Adams

The Hobbit, JRR Tolkien

Holes, Louis Sachar

I Capture The Castle, Dodie Smith | Film review

Jane Eyre, Charlotte Brontë | Feature

Kane And Abel, Jeffrey Archer

Katherine, Anya Seton

The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe, CS Lewis

Little Women, Louisa May Alcott | Children's fiction

Lord Of The Flies, William Golding

The Lord Of The Rings, JRR Tolkien

Love In The Time Of Cholera, Gabriel García Márquez

The Magic Faraway Tree, Enid Blyton | Listen to interview

Magician, Raymond E Feist

The Magus, John Fowles

Matilda, Roald Dahl | Listen to interview

Memoirs Of A Geisha, Arthur Golden

Middlemarch, George Eliot

Midnight's Children, Salman Rushdie

Mort, Terry Pratchett

Night Watch, Terry Pratchett

Nineteen-Eighty-Four, George Orwell

Noughts And Crosses, Malorie Blackman

Of Mice And Men, John Steinbeck

On The Road, Jack Kerouac

One Hundred Years Of Solitude, Gabriel García Márquez

Perfume, Patrick Süskind

Persuasion, Jane Austen

The Pillars Of The Earth, Ken Follett

A Prayer For Owen Meany, John Irving | Theatre review

Pride And Prejudice, Jane Austen

The Princess Diaries, Meg Cabot

The Ragged Trousered Philanthropists, Robert Tressell

Rebecca, Daphne Du Maurier | Discussion

The Secret Garden, Frances Hodgson Burnett

The Secret History, Donna Tartt

The Shell Seekers, Rosamunde Pilcher

The Stand, Stephen King

The Story Of Tracy Beaker, Jacqueline Wilson

A Suitable Boy, Vikram Seth | Listen to interview

Swallows And Amazons, Arthur Ransome

A Tale Of Two Cities, Charles Dickens

Tess Of The D'Urbervilles, Thomas Hardy

The Thorn Birds, Colleen McCollough

To Kill A Mockingbird, Harper Lee

A Town Like Alice, Nevil Shute

Treasure Island, Robert Louis Stevenson

The Twits, Roald Dahl | Listen to interview

Ulysses, James Joyce

Vicky Angel, Jacqueline Wilson

War And Peace, Leo Tolstoy

Watership Down, Richard Adams | Discussion

The Wind In The Willows, Kenneth Grahame

Winnie-the-Pooh, AA Milne

The Woman In White, Wilkie Collins

Wuthering Heights, Emily Brontë, Feature

Probably right about time I posted something useful, so here goes: Fish Stew for Two.

In one big (lidded) pan...chop one red onion pretty finely and fry until transparent in butter. Add two rashers of roughly chopped smoked bacon per person, fry 'til cooked through. Pour in one tin of chopped tomatoes, heat through. Throw in loads of ripped up basil. Place enough chunky white fish (cod or monkfish, not salmon - tastes too strong) for two people on top of the mix - leave the fish whole as it breaks up when it's cooked. Put a lid on it. Walk away. Walk back in 12 minutes to see if the fish is cooked. When the fish is cooked, throw in more basil, take off the heat, then really gently stir in about two dollops of creme fraiche.

Best served with big bread and a bottle of Fitou. Because that's also for two.

I'll get me coat.

Moan mutter grumble. The flat I live in is on the market, which means a relatively constant stream of people in and out of the place. So I got up to clean ready for an 11am appointment this morning, then cleared out of the flat to make it more comfortable for everyone all round. Had a swim - the pool had five women in it, all I suspect, guiltily swimming off Friday night and/or paying in advance for an afternoon of needless shopping. That's what I was doing in there anyway.

When I got home there was a message on my phone from the estate agent saying that the guy had cancelled and could he come round at 3pm instead. So I called back and had a rant. I'm annoyed at the actions of an individual who changed the shape of my day and the estate agent's and demanded or expected to be accomodated. Arse.

And she called me Vicki as well.

Such are the extent of my woes today.

There's no escape from my wishlist. It'll be in the links menu too, if you can't find it at some point in the future :)