I hate people who call their other halves, my other half, my hubbie, wifey, her indoors.

Types of smile Part 1: The Lift Smile.
Lips pressed together, minor upturn of mouth corners, brief eye contact expressing anxiety of confined situation.

Q: What did the doctor say to the dog that couldn't stop licking his balls?

A: Thanks.

On my way to work this morning I saw a woman Vaselining rings up a tree trunk, then a woman walking down a road twirling batons.

Went to see the superb Bill Brandt exhibition at the V&A. A master of illusion way, way before Photoshop came along to help artists, etch, dodge, contrast and enhance images. When you visit, be sure to look at the photos close-up and from an angle to see his alterations.

I have a pair of jeans (A) from Top Shop that I wore solidly for months. I bought another pair (B) about one month ago from Diesel. Tell me, why is it that when pair B are strung out to dry and I must wear A again, which I was perfectly happy to do for months and months, I don't like it?

I mean, really. How many of these emails would you be curious enough to open? Intrigued to see that a recent ploy is to flag spam and format it in a red-read-me font.

So there I was at my desk, on the phone, gazing out of the window. And there, right there in front of me, a man started urinating into the grass by the wire fence, facing me. Did he not notice the five storey shiny white office in front of him?

For the first time ever I wasn't irritated by the doosh doosh doosh sounds of a personal stereo this morning on the tube. This was because I was able to sing along to every last searing riff and wailing lyric. You cap-wearing tosspot.

Otherwise a very pleasant journey was had reading Molvania - a land untouched by modern dentistry.

became,white mantle with,believe,then
the redhaired,progenitor,back and
forth,chelate,the listener accompanied.

When spam goes ee cummings.

Ah, how lovely to find in my email, an email titled 'You charming kumquat'. E. Jean Carroll, who are you? Reveal yourself you mischievous spammer you.

Came home from work at 11am feeling rough as sandpaper, should probably have guessed this likely outcome after a morning spent doubled over, shivering in bed. Somehow it is now gone 7pm, which means I've slept an entire day away. Things I want when I'm ill: company, solitude, immediate access to Telma chicken soup, sweet tea, silence, radio, painkillers targeted right at my pain with a big fat orange-red symbol telling me this is the case on the packet, my glasses, a full cupboard, magazines, internet access. And Lucozade, of course, never forgetting the Lucozade. Whatever did happen to the old glass bottles wrapped in red plastic?

Bumped into an old college friend by a set of variables ensuring our meeting. It was good to catch up. I wonder if she thought the same things as me? 'She's not changed', 'She looks well' and 'She looks older'.

So it's now a gloomy Bank Holiday Monday. It actually crossed my mind to think, great, no screen glare.